elynn bought me a box of chocz. WAHAHA~! she told me she bought it that night and the next day, noel actually passed her a box of chocz as well, so is very much of a coincidence. de chocz has a little taste of cherries, i dont know why.. but is nice!! hehe! Thanks Elynn~ :)

as the weeks pass, i begin to see that i am in fact loved by many, even if he left me. though he left me, the world is not gone (maybe partially gone. haha!)

dedicating the below section to people i really want to thank for during this period. please dont think i am trying to show off or consoling myself ok. they are the people who make everything look brighter, who show me i am not alone. i also want to do my part as a friend for ya all~!!

elynn, leelee and noel had stood by me during the period of time, providing free counselling. esp elynn coz we are able to talk very openly and freely about things, and she did share her views with me, analysing the whole situation and stuffs like that. and coz they are our common friends, i tend to take in their words seriously since they will be able to relate better with the fact that they know both parties. comments that other people made, i may give benefits of doubt since they dont know him and his personality. so to me, they are just generalizing, unlike noel, leelee and elynn.

the person who stood by me through the whole 'event' is charlene ba~ all my weeping, sobbing, woes, sorrows.. whatever you can think of, it all goes to her. it must be so annoying of me. *lolZ*

when things happen, i did not tell princess anything coz she was preparing for her sista and bf's bday kind of mood. that must be very jovial, so i didnt want to crush her with such news. but when she got to know about it, she also spared her time out to meet me up and see how i am, etc. we even went spa massage recently!! spendthrift me~ :x

my wifey, whom i shared the same plight as her eventually. we stood by each other during the bad times, and is just as nice to have her around accompanying me. she can understand how i feel in this whole thing.

not forgetting leti, huiling, ah bu cheryl, effa, eunice, vicy, jennifer who also showered me with concerns every now and then during that period of time.

oh yes, and finally my family.. who kept siding me (since i am the only daughter) and telling me that he doesnt understand me at all. in the 1st place, they are not really supportive for this relationship, 2 neutral votes and 2 objection votes. but they respect my decision in being with him. so i reckon they will be the happiest people when this relationship ended but then the saddest as well when they see their own daughter behaving like an abnormal zombie. nonetheless, they are constantly 'monitoring' me at home and end their pointless judgements.

i am loved and i should be thankful.. thanks people, i love ya all too :)

Date Stamp: Monday, August 25, 2008

I thought I wont be able to make it to work today.

Is really scary though thinking it back.

As usual, I was on my way to work in the bus and reading a book. And as usual, I started to feel tired.. so I actually rested my eyes. But when I opened my eyes, I experienced difficulty in breathing. Then what come into my vision are black patches and they seem to magnify. So I shut my eyes immediately and took deep breath, telling myself that I am going to be alright, even though I can feel myself fainting very soon. I opened my eyes once again and this time, the black patches covered almost 80% of my vision. I was really scared and I really don’t want to faint in the bus. So I alighted at the coming bus stop. With only 20% of my vision clear, I made my way out (lucky I was near the exit) and sat at the bus stop. I can feel my bones turning cold and I was in complete cold sweat. I swear my face is really pale even though I hadn’t seen it myself.

I started taking in breaths and regulate my breathing momentum. Most people should know that I always face difficulty breathing at times. Seriously, I wonder is it really due to my narrow windpipe as according to the doctor?

When my breathing turned normal, my vision slowly regained.

Then I picked myself up to take the next bus and reached my company.

I was really scared back then. Is scary to faint in front of so many strangers. I don’t want to shock anybody lor..

I almost wanted to make a call but I hold myself.

Is time to be strong, to be back to your old self, to be alone.. I told myself..

[[ End of Chapter // black Monday ]]

~ 努力再努力 ~

Date Stamp: Sunday, August 24, 2008

回读我以前所写的，我发现。。以前所领悟的。。突然完全消失了。。感觉上，好像以前写的，根本就没一回事似的。

读着读着。。我被以前的我。。感染了。。不是说以前的我，很厉害到可以感染现在的我。只是。。如果以前的我，可以这么想，为什么现在的我就不行呢？？为什么现在的我，要一直沉浸在悲伤里，久久无法振作起来呢？？

以前领悟到的，它必然还活在我里面。。只是被我不小心地遗忘了。。
以前的笑容，它离开了我好一阵子了；我脸上好久好久都没挂上笑容了。
我一直想回到最初的自己；但我发现我还是在和过去比较，一直抱以“如果还没分手”的种种。。这样的我，几时才可以重新活过来？？几时才能回到最初的自己？？

现在还在学习的阶段，所以我想我也没办法说服自己那所谓的“人生大道理”。。纵然听了很多，但想真正学会放下，这还有一段路吧。。

放过自己，也放过别人。
这是我唯一能催眠自己的。。

如果当初可以，现在一定也可以；努力多一点点，就什么都没问题了。

Labels: 华文, 随风而去

[[ End of Chapter // 努力再努力 ]]

~ recent updates ~

Date Stamp: Wednesday, August 20, 2008

coz i cant upload pics from my hp into my pc using the bluetooth, i have to wait till i bring my USB cable home.. so as to present this entry :)


last Thursday was terrible in the office. my tears literally dripped like a spoilt tap water.. everyone thought i was feeling GODDAMN sick. i actually asked for a day off on Friday, since i dont have the kind of mood to work. no point wasting their money and my time.


so i met yanying on friday morning and we went to changi village. they got a beach lookalike but in kelong style and that is another fave spot of mine.


unfortunately when we attempted to rest.. we saw this BIG lizard~ i think is ermm.. iguana??

anyway, after that, we went to Changi Airport T3. seriously, that is a very important place in my heart, coz that's the place i have always longed to go with him, for a stroll or something. weirdo me~ but last time, he always brought me to T1..

then i met up with cheryl and noel for dinner. some talks to be done but i think was just so crowded i didnt have the right mood to say anything. they handed me a can of abalone, saying that it was the seventh month praying items for SHR.



and they also handed me a uniform. yeah! SHR has finally got its VERY OWN UNIFORM!! look so pro can? but then again, i think is kinda too big for ALL of us.

when i get a chance to wear this uniform, i will take a pic of myself and post it here. *lolZ*
which reminds me.. NOEL ahh.. can u take an individual pic of everyone in the uniform? i want to see wor.. haha!

met princess on Monday and she got me some chocz.. aww.. so sweet.. it has been a long time since people buy me chocz.. the last time he bought me a BIG box but i rejected that. thinking back, that's the last time he bought me chocz.. and i thought there will be plenty of chances in future.

[[ End of Chapter // recent updates ]]

~ 还在学着放下。。 ~

Date Stamp: Sunday, August 17, 2008

亲爱的。。我很想你。。

我相信你，所以我相信你的决定。

弟弟说，如果后悔，也轮不到我。。因为不是我提出的。。
虽然我不知道你怎么想，但我希望你不会后悔。。虽然不是我提的，但这样的结果是我逼出来的。所以，后悔的只有我一个人。

谢谢你的离开。
因为你不需要再受我的气；因为你不需要再想着我们的未来、我们的差距。
如果你没离开，我想我还是会继续给你苦日子。。你或许还是会继续不开心。。

对不起，我忘了。。原来我只要给予一成的付出，你会回我两成的付出。
对不起，我忘了。。没有什么争执比幸福还重要。
对不起，我忘了。。我答应你，要和你走到未来。

我相信，现在的分离，是要让我学着更懂得珍惜。
我相信，现在的分离，是要让我知道，你有多重要。

如果有一天，我们还会在一起。。我相信现在的分离，会带来更多的了解、更坚固的感情。。

现在，我只能学着放下。放下了再重新面对。

未来是个未知数，没有人可以预言。
但只要相信，它就有成真的一天。

Labels: 华文, 随风而去

[[ End of Chapter // 还在学着放下。。 ]]

~ bad girl ~

Date Stamp:

my brain has gone dead for de past few days. things i can recall are memories, my faults.. perhaps it is really destined as i realized there were so many chances given to avoid tis break up but i didnt grab hold of.

dont ask me what i want to do, what i want to eat, where i want to go.. coz most of the times, i will stone and say i dont know.

in my eyes, there is only emptiness.
in my soul, there is only emptiness.
but in my heart, it is brimming with heartache and more heartache.
in my mind, i can feel that it is congested with all sorts of reasons, just to convince myself to move on.

people had been telling me that since it is only 3 weeks, i should be able to let go easily, much easier then. but how am i to let go when i havent tried my best to put myself in this relationship? but again, who am i to ask for a second chance? who am i not to let go? yet i simply cant let go..

it has been a long time since i feel my heart shrinking, being squeezed every second. im so afraid to sleep now, coz whenever i wake up.. the 1st thing that comes to my mind is that we had broken up. i hate dawn now as it constantly serves to remind me of the happiness that i didnt treasure. every day the cycle repeats. i will convince myself to move on though i really seem like a walking zombie now. but then i fail everyday and start missing him again. then i start to hate myself and all the fucking psychological barriers inside me. why am i caring so much for those asshole barriers when happiness is right in front of me? and now.. i can only blame myself for losing the happiness that once belonged to me.

i wont be able to mature now and overnight. i will still be the childish me who cried in the blankets so often and blamed myself. coz right now, it is too difficult to accept the reality.
then i will have to pick myself up and start leading the life i used to be in.
after getting into my normal life, i believe i have grown into another person.

as much as i hope to tell him to wait for me to mature, but then that is a really selfish thought.
if he finds a nice girl to spend his time/life with, i think that is really much more worthwhile than waiting for a bad girl like me.

bad girl doesnt deserve happiness. bad girl deserves to lose her appetite and turn into a leaf, then she will get blown off by the wind and fall into a canal.. and then, she will sail alone in her life. bad girl deserves to be alone, forever, always.

[[ End of Chapter // bad girl ]]

~ 结束了。。 ~

Date Stamp: Thursday, August 14, 2008

一切都结束了。我的心还在隐隐作痛。。

一个月前的今天，是我们第一次牵手。
一个月后的今天，我们正式分手了。

虽然我总觉得你来，只是想听我说，但心已决。。可是我还是抱着一丝挽回的希望。。刚走在你旁边时，我很想对你说：“可以牵手吗？” 但我看着你，眼神中有了距离。所以我什么都没说。。

我其实还有很多话想对你说。。但当你说，你已经掀底牌了， 就是当朋友。。我什么都不敢说，因为我真得很担心，我们连朋友都当不成。

交谈中，我隐藏得很好吧？我想留在你身边，所以我只能抑制自己的情绪，故作镇定地尽显“朋友”本色。

喜欢一个人，不是要祝他幸福，而是要给他幸福。。
在过去几天里，我真的下了很大的决心，我要给你幸福。
我看见了我们的未来，我想真心付出。。我想努力经营这段感情。
但当你说，你看不见我们的未来时，我不敢承诺你，因为我知道你不会相信。。你说没被针刺过不懂痛，但我真的愿意被刺痛，你相信吗？如果看见未来的是你，那针算什么？ 但我没说出心里话。因为我担心太坚持，你真的会决定连朋友都别当了。。

从我们因为考试而没见面的第一天起，我每天都会想着，考完试见到你，我第一件要做的事，就是紧紧地抱住你。。因为我真的很想念你。刚才，我也想这么做了。。但既然说是朋友，我也没有理由再去抱你。

未来的日子里，希望我们真的是朋友。。希望能常常见到你。
因为说真的，每天没见到你或听到你的声音，对我来说都是一种煎熬。

** 随风而去，不是让一切成为过去。它真正的意思是，我想随着你去。。不管哪里。。

Labels: 华文, 随风而去

[[ End of Chapter // 结束了。。 ]]

~ 以前到现在的感觉，一直都没变。。 ~

Date Stamp: Monday, August 11, 2008

小宇 - 唯一的唯一

一样自己走在 回家的路
却突然发现自己 有些孤独
天空下 有几颗脆弱的心
找寻着 那双共鸣的眼睛
我怀疑 一直在等待的人
真的就是你

直到 看着星星想到你
望着太阳想到你
少了你会莫名的空虚
我才终于开始去相信
是谁出现在梦裡
而你就是唯一的唯一

直到 看着电视想到你
望着大海想到你
少了你我呼吸没力气
最后 确定我已爱上你
想抱紧你在怀裡
让我们的眼神永远坚定不移

曾经害怕温暖 喜欢寒冬
却突然发现自己与众不同
天空下 有几颗脆弱的心
找寻着 那双共鸣的眼睛
我怀疑 一直在等待的人
真的就是你

直到 看着星星想到你
望着太阳想到你
少了你会莫名的空虚
我才终于开始去相信
是谁出现在梦裡
而你就是唯一的唯一

直到 看着电视想到你
望着大海想到你
少了你我呼吸没力气
最后 确定我已爱上你
想抱紧你在怀裡
让我们的眼神永远坚定不移

Labels: 华文, 好歌要分享, 随风而去

[[ End of Chapter // 以前到现在的感觉，一直都没变。。 ]]

~ 又是歌。。我心声的歌 ~

Date Stamp: Saturday, August 09, 2008

小宇 - 终于说出口

你终于说出口
其实你早就已经不爱我
为什么要低著头
你知道这玩笑骗不倒我
可是这不是玩笑
是要逃避你离开我的理由

我还能做什么 你已经不爱我
我一直都爱著你 难道这还不够
我还要做什么 你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看著我
一心想离开我

我终于也说出口
其实很爱你 但从没认真说过
或许是我的错
多在乎你却只放在心中
不要问我为什么
因为爱你 这就是我的理由

我还能做什么 你已经不爱我
我一直都爱著你 难道这还不够
我还要做什么 你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看著我

没什么需要被原谅
我笑得有些牵强
你知道我总是能够假装不难过
OH 不想看你那么累
多希望 再给我机会
颤抖著 我的手 握住的只是风

还能做什么 你已经不爱我
我一直都爱著你 难道这还不够
我还要做什么 你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看著我
一心想离开我

Labels: 华文, 好歌要分享, 随风而去

[[ End of Chapter // 又是歌。。我心声的歌 ]]