Date Stamp: Tuesday, April 29, 2008


it was with much determination to leave this comfort zone of mine - the place where i have been nesting for the past 3.5 years.

i tendered yesterday but was rather surprised at my behavior towards different superiors.

i seriously thought i would cry in front of each of them, but i didnt. in fact i didnt wail at all. *lolZ*
to my young boss, corner of my eyes got watery and i refused to sit down properly and talked about this matter. i was afraid to face him for a minute more coz i know i will end up weeping. so the matter rested rather quickly and he said he will talk to me again.

to my asst mgr, i was casual and told her in an objective way. i hid nothing and said nothing that i thought is wrong of me to do so.

to my big boss, i can feel myself fighting internally; to prove to him that i am totally fine leaving here coz i want to see the outside world. he probed me a few times on whether there is an issue / problem, other than seeking a better career prospect. and each time, my answer was a FIRM NO. this is the least i can do to protect my colleagues, to prevent their reputation from getting tarnished further. and even if it did, i am well aware that i was not the cause of it.

but somehow, people refused to believe tat i was in fact seeking a better prospect and no matter how i tried to explain, people said, "you have already prepared a script to countershoot all possible questions boss may throw you with. so is no point for me to hog onto this matter and get you to say the true reason.. your explanations are already flawless."

well.. it hurts.. but it set me pondering. haf i become a double-masked person? spilt personality? or is it just that people are unable to see me clearly? i thought i can be flipped like a book.

"if your real reason is to leave with a better prospect, why are you so determined to leave this place without finding yourself a job initially?"

yes, this i admit. i was intending to leave 1st without a job, with reasons as follow:
- i went for a few interviews and most of them are unwilling to wait for a month. they need someone in urgently.
- i do not want to rush myself coz i know what i am looking for in my next job. i want to get it right and not waste my time in a company.
- i know myself. i am the kind who needs to be pushed. so by forcing myself out of the comfort zone, i will see myself reaching to my goals.
- i want to REST.
- i dont want to wash off all my past sayings. so yes, it may just be part of the reason - i do not enjoy working here anymore. i dont like office jobs initially but i stay put here for 3.5years. hence, this place should already deemed as a rather heavenly place. but as you know, everything comes with imperfection - places, tangible items, person, etc.

if i had really wanted to leave simply due to unhappiness at work, i can jolly well find another admin job or watsoeva job that comes by, instead of sticking to my principles. as long as any employer is willing to offer me a position, i will leave.. so as to save all explanations and hassle. but i didnt. i am willing to explain on ALL i have cited above to leave, i am willing to serve 2 months' notice, so long as i can leave.. coz my eventual priority is to force myself out of the comfort zone.

so many times, when people tell me not to leave, etc.. i feel like saying, "ok, i will stay."
when Lee Lee turned a tad worried and said will we end up as 'strangers' one day coz you are not here anymore, i feel like saying, "ok, i will stay."

i struggled with my mixed emotions and steer clear of all they said. i dont not want to get myself emotional and decided to stay on, which is not doing me good. i am not young anymore, i always thought. but my surroundings said i am still very young.. no, i am not. after analysing all my future plans, i am indeed not young anymore. to start off with a career of your wish at the age of 24, i will reach my goal at a later stage than the others who got themselves right since the beginning. and my goal is?

TO EARN LOTS OF MONEY!! *lolZ* even though i may be abit attitude towards my family, but i do have plans in bringing at least my parents out for a holiday. the kind of holiday whereby they do not need to spend money and they are going there by plane. hehe! hongkong is the 1st priority though.

anyway, i am unsure if people are able to see a clearer picture of me, for i have lost myself to the world.. or is it ME, the one who is denying and trying to save myself a nice image/impression (if any).

but i didnt.

and i wonder who will believe me and this entry?


~ my 'L' ~