[[ End of Chapter // NOW.. IS.. PLAY TIME..!! ]]

Date Stamp: Tuesday, June 12, 2007


and so, i feel like bloggin.. was strugglin b/w english or chinese~ coz i dun haf a fixed topic in mind.. haha! i thot tat always used to be de case? perhaps, i wana blog in chinese but well, as u can see frm my spell book.. my chinese entries are not nonsense which, at de end of de day.. u simply cant fig out wat i wana say, since there is none in particular rite frm de start.. *lolZ*

i rem tellin leeli thru fone a few days ago.. in fact i was complainin to her how sux my life is.. haha! my life seems to take a downturn though evthin went on de same.. i still go to wrk, go sch, go home.. u noe.. juz nth much i wana take note of.. but i juz feel tat it sux.. if u think tat is coz my life gets so PLAIN i find tat it sux. sori i dun. due to de BIG~ fact tat im a homely pax, i thot tis kinda life sounds gd.. since i haf all de time to myself and havin nth to get myself occupied w/.. it was rather a leisure for me.. i can get myself deep drowned in vcds and TV.. WOOHOO~ TV~!! haha! but anyway, back to de topic (see, i cant even fig out wat i was sayin)..

i rem tellin leeli.. "to maintain a frenzhip, u hafta let it go.."
i dun mean it as lettin it go and heck care la.. perhaps it's all abt sensitivity and yes, cut ur crap on overeactin~ *lolZ* sometimes, i hope my frenz can pay more attention to me, my matters but as time pass and i realize how lil time we haf for each other.. i begin to realize.. i cant even pay much attention to them as before.. so well, how can i expect de same? i dun wana be a full-time giver nor an all-time taker.. so well, maintain de frenzhip as it is.. i may not always be there with you but u noe i will always be there for u, tazz gd enuff~ coz to all my frenz out there, i truly noe tat all of ya are there for me if i ever nid any single 1 of u.. tazz an undeniable fact. i cant express myself properly.. i come to notice tat i dunno how to show my concern to frenz anymore. m i too afraid to care? at times, i wanted to probe.. to be de "so-called" frenz who is concerned.. but i halt myself. i dun wana sound like a policewoman. i dun wana feel like an interrogator. but well, at any pt of time u nid a listening ear, i will be there.. OH NO NO~~ does tis post sound like is meant for someone especially? crap lor, is not. im juz.. oh freak.. gettin abit emotional here.. *burst into big gulping sobs*

then i rem tellin another frenz, "i dun bother makin new frenz.. coz i dun wana commit myself to another frenzhip. managin a frenzhip is sth tedious.." de shockin tone frm my frenz was still vividly heard inside me.. "HOW DO U WANA MANAGE A FRENZHIP? a frenzhip is a frenzhip.. why do u nida manage it??" obvly, our mentalities are very much diff.. perhaps, a frenzhip comes in v naturally as time builds it up for u automatically. but somehow, u dun smack ur words ard w/ ppl whom u r not reli close or mock each other's faults.

ppl who dunno me will think im anti-social, unfrenzly or wateva ugly words they can bundle me w/.. i admit to tat.. coz i do find myself an autistic.. i guess it was since young, since mama said i dun like to play w/ other kids and i SELDOM talk.. de quiet nature is inside me but i dunno wat makes me hide it so well.. and it has been hidin inside me for YEARS, mind u..
but now, it had slowly unveiled.. into a real me.. into de me i noe.. de pessimistic me who i haf left behind for ages and is returnin to pick it up.. de quiet me who refuse to gif a hoot to ppl ard me.. and as i pick them up one by one.. de selfless me departed, abandonin behind thots tat haunt me ever since, because i truly dunno why i haf turned into some1 selfish.. de some1 i kinda hate.. u noe, selfish ppl haf no frenz coz nobody likes selfish ppl..

perhaps, when i was young, i hated myself and so, i transform into a fake me.. and now, when my true self finally decided to return, im startin to hate myself again..

damn.. it sux.. and wat m i crappin?


~ overflowing hollow mind ~